so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
