He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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