I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
