I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
