i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
