Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
