I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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