Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
