my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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