That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
