Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize