i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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