Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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