This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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