You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
