when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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