I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
