I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Success! We fucked roommates!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
