my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
