my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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