mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
