I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I would ride that face into the sunset
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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