I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
