he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
