Can Purell be used as lube?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
