I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize