i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Houston, we have a squirter
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
