There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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