My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
