But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Life is so much better after having sex.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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