i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
