Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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