Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
