He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
