I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
