just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
