why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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