This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
