Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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