Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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