Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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