I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
