I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
