My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize