she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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