Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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