I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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