we have officially lost it.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
