happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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