dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
