I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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