Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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