My nipple is on Facebook.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can you bring me the toilet please
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
