sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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