and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
