Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I did not marry a roomba.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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