I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
