I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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