she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I want a musical about memes.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
