all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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