I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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