I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You ate ashes out of my bong
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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