Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
