Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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