Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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