No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
