i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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